They love me, they love me not…

Today I had a comment to my post called ‘Very Strange,’ where I’d been puzzling about the reason there’d been 110 viewings of a post that didn’t seem very different from any of the others, but the number of views suddenly took off like a home-made rocket and then.. zip. Nothing. Nix. While replying to the comment, I thought about how this tiny incident has echoes in life as the micro often talks about the macro. Life almost never reacts the way you’d expect. And that is what makes it so utterly absorbing and mysterious.

Perhaps that’s why people love stories so much. ‘And then what happened?’ is the perennial question. We love stories (usually, if we’re not feeling too strong, movies from America appeal more than, say, those by Michael Haneke) because there is a sequence and an outcome. In life, we don’t have that certainty very often, if ever.

Back to my ruminations about the sudden success of ‘Put your best face forward. Or else’. After I commented in ‘Very Strange’ on the sudden spurt of new readers, suddenly there was complete silence and nobody read anything for two days. Except today two people read ‘Very strange’, ironically.

And that’s all anyone read. Hey at least someone read something. Hey, even better, someone said something! After the two days’ silence I was beginning to think.. ‘I shouldna said nuthin’, I shoulda just enjoyed it.’ (And yes, I do have a life, really I do.)

But no, I had to poke a stick at this puzzle, fetch the tender exotic plant of my new popularity out, look at its roots, shake it… and then it died stone dead. Yes it’s uncool ruminating and obsessing about my stats but I’m allowed to because I’m still new at this, okay.

It’s like someone who’s >koff< known to have skills elsewhere than in the kitchen, biting the bullet and inviting people she loves for a meal, (yes she, it’s never a he) and producing something incredibly edible. Over dinner it is quite acceptable for such a one to say ‘Damn, this is great isn’t it??’ Because the wonder and amazement is genuine. It’s terribly uncool, yes, but understandable. So I ask you to indulge me. My feathers are still little sticks and a minor success is wonderful beyond imagining.

I bring further excuses for my lack of coolth – I believe after 300 posts you’re a blogger. By then you’re an old hand, you’ve been Freshly Pressed at least twice,  and your readers number in the thousands. Then you’re Big. I plead smallness in this area.

There are precedents in my life. When I was five and had just started school, I was playing hide-and-seek with the other little kids while all our parents were visiting the owner of the garden. Around we ran in the dusk, shrieking with excitement when we were found… until I was the one who was found first and had to be ‘on’. ‘But I can’t count yet!!!’ I wailed. ‘Oh.’ came the voices from the circle around me. There was a small discussion and I was let off; I could happily be one of the hiders for the rest of the evening and I had a great time.

Except that I could in fact count; I just didn’t want to be ‘on’… so, recalling that, I will put aside playing ‘small’. However, a blasé attitude is not acquired in a packet; it is cultivated over many years of good experiences and tiny triumphs, all mounting up into Solid Experience. (to be read with a deep voice and much gravitas.)

To someone who’s at that stage, a sudden acknowledgement is the cherry on the top, they cope with it – it’s nice but it doesn’t fling them at the walls with great force. I can’t pretend to be blasé or a naïve child, so I’ll just carry on with this most interesting journey and admire the flowers, while stepping over the s..ilences that will inevitably occur, when my words seem to fall into the void.

As one little tree-house somewhere once had on its wall – ‘Nobuddy akt big. Nobuddy ackt smal. Everyboddy act medium.’

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4 thoughts on “They love me, they love me not…

  1. Yes, just so.
    You describe your dilemma.
    Transderivate too.
    And how do you feel . . . ?

    (I so see your image of the tender plant.)

    • Thanks for your lovely comments Ant. Transderivate? Even Google can’t enlighten me on that one. Please explain it to me. Oh – and how do I feel? Well at the end of my bellybutton gazing stint, I had talked myself back to a balance, a ‘that’s puzzling but interesting’ observational state.

      And I guess that’s one of the main benefits I get from this blog. I realise stuff here that I don’t take time to realise in my everyday life.

      • Appointment with H has happened.
        Once I see her I shall fb-friend request.
        Looking forward to that & then EoM (MTL) on April 1st.
        My heart sings, my body resonates, my mind sharpens, my spirit soars and I draw strength from the depths of this land and pour my rejoicing to the African sky

        I was hoping that I had made up a word – That would then allow me to make up the definition. Power indeed.

        You may find a clue here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transderivational_search
        (see: TDS in human communication and processing), or http://key-hypnosis.com/How-to-hypnotize/Advanced-Hypnosis-Guide.php where it states that Transderivational Search is a theory based on Chomsky’s model of language about how people generate meaning from words or from experiences such as ceremonies and rituals. The theory is that everyone is born with the ability to extract and store in our minds the (essence/ pattern/ structure/ framework) of what is being described or viewed by creating metaphors for our experiences.

        In fact the way I had understood the word, and on checking, the way the MTL community understands it is this: To reach through, from a set of feelings around a particular incident, to an earlier situation where a similar set of feelings and actions occurred, possibly in childhood, so that a clear understanding of how the mind reached and made decisions that affect that persons life from that moment on (usually to the detriment of the individual).
        So, hence, going back (trans) to where the original desision was derived.

        I probably missed the entry, but what was your purpose in creating this blog? Quite likely you wanted to quicken some aspect of your life . . .
        Writing out what we think is a considered act – and surely in the process of consideration we gaze deeper into the infinite pools of our minds than we normally do in our busy lives.

        • Ah – thanks that’s most enlightening. Yes as a MTL graduate, of course I’m familiar with that process, and understand the word transderivative better from that perspective than the links you mention which were very interesting but I had to go through the text in low gear somewhat. Thanks for taking the time to explain it.

          As for the reason I created the blog: I was inspired by a book called ‘Soloist’,(?) could also be ‘Flying Solo’ for people who work for themselves and on their own, and the author suggested that one has a work-related blog and a personal blog. I decided my personal blog could also occasionally plug the DappleShades, seeing as picturekitchen.wordpress.com concentrates purely on the design/illustration/animation side.

          But then I clicked on the daily post button, a campaign by WordPress to get us all writing more regularly. I’m finding it fun and also it’s like my daily meditation time. You’re right, writing it out is a considered act. There is a certain amount of discipline involved in ordering your thoughts, so they don’t just drift to the ceiling as they may do while lying in the bath or in a hammock or gazing at clouds. Then a certain space is created to allow insights to occur.

          For instance on re-reading the post to work out how it was transderivative (waving my new word about, notice) it occurred to me that just as in the More To Life course, what you do in the micro you do in the macro. And what I did as a micro I still do as a macro. It’s so easy to fall back on acting small, (or shy, or poor, or unskilled, or crying…) and then hiding behind that. And conversely it’s so empowering to step out from behind that pattern and be something a little larger. Not much larger, we don’t want to scare ourselves too much, baby steps are good. Confidence grows organically, cell by cell as in Nature.

          So – no you didn’t miss the entry, it was never clearly stated. Thanks for bringing that up – bloggers have so many different reasons for writing. I did for a time do my daily pages as advised by Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way. But I couldn’t keep it up. This for some reason is easier. And I want to remember my life. I have bits and pieces of journal entries from the last ten years and so often wish I’d taken the trouble to write more often because I’ve forgotten so much.

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